Iraq Gossip

It’s been a really exciting couple of weeks since our last “on the scene, live, direct and immediate deeply embedded field press report,” so here goes nothing.

We've been so embedded in sand and shifting diametrically opposed points of view it’s been a struggle to get to the truth. And the truth shall set you free but that proclamation and one thin dime won’t buy you a glass of fresh hot tea on the corner of RPG and Main in downtown Baghdad.

Traffic, as always, is a mess as drivers ignore sleeping policeman and discarded shell casings. Bike and grocery cart thefts are up a surprising 87% since last year.

Running As Fast As I Can, an immigrant from Florida reported that someone stole his unicycle while he was stealing fresh melons. “It’s unbelievable,” the swarthy youth said, “our social system has completely collapsed and the melon sellers are gouging the public. Something drastic has to be done,” he said spitting out his seeds of discontent.

Our reliable informants report that Israeli smugglers made $42 million, yes, million, dollars in June transporting spare parts and beer across 1,000 miles of desert to broken, thirsty consumers in the Iraqi capital.

“Yes, we recognize a need and we are filling it as fast as we can,” said Sherman Artichoke, a driver from Cyprus.

“Face it, I can double my yearly tomato growing income outrunning bandits on camels. And I love driving at night.”

Rebecca Nurse, a volunteer from the Operational Defense Planning With No Initiative Institute (ODPWNII) revealed yesterday that morale among the unwilling asked to do the impossible by desk jockeys is at rock bottom.

“In all my years of service throughout war and twilight zones,” the perky blond former cheerleader revealed, “I’ve seen the best minds of my generation destroyed by howling post traumatic stress syndrome. This is really scary and I feel the worst is yet to come.”

She is presently under observation at an undisclosed sight.